warning! rubbish entry. get out. dont read.

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In two days, i will be back home for the raya celebration. I am fckin homesick rite now. I want to get myself out of here as soon as I can. I am mentally disturbed with everything i am doin here. I dont know wat is evolving in me currently. Everytime i tried to to figure out something, its like i am hurting myself. I will rather ended up stressed myself out or talking rubbsih. damn i hate this feeling. Everything is not working. I am not study for the test. I dont revise. I dont sleep. I dont do the things i shud do. I am betraying myself. I am dying.How to let this things out? i wonder. how.

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Raya. The next big thing for nex wik. damn its nex week yet i dn feel anything in me. My mom asked me to buy some new clothes but i was too lazy to shop for baju raya. I said no to new baju melayu. for what? just use the previous one lah. still the same what? i dont wear it regularly. I wish i cud just sit back home during raya. I hate to travel around, house to house, doing practically nothing. Yah,i noe i am stupid. Everybody wish to balik kampung and meet all their relatives and bla bla. No i am not interested. Sorry. At this moment, my family is enough. I just want to hang out with them in my own house. I wish i can. but my parents wont be allowing me to do that of coz. I noe i shudnt do this. But i dn feel like raya since few years back.But, deep in my innerself, i always hope that i’ll have the happiness in me for raya. I hope i can get along with everybody during raya so i can enjoy my self as well. I am hoping for that.
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I will be back for a week. My sis is also coming back. so everybody home.I want to read more about those open source and download everything during the period. A week sounds enuff. But it surely doesnt. i want to rest my head off because after that is goin to be another stressful month for me since i’ll be having my final exam. final. Yah. final exam for my one-year foundation period and i’ll be goin thru degree years starting nex year. and i really hope eveything is goin to be just fine.

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Where my friends are? Pok Din smsed me last nite. so nice of him. Well, he is always the nicest guy among us, no doubt. He started his holiday already. Fikril is shutting himself up for no reason. The last time he contacted me was on his birthday, just to tell me two news: he and siti is official and he got himself a new w810i. Then its always me to contact him for no reason. Nazir is doing fine. Blogs and myspace connected us. And Acap, i believed he is in Japan. Good for him. Wanali? i dont have any idea. And lots more. Everyone is busy with their own stuff. For me, i am just nothing compared to them. Everybody is heading towards their desired future life planning. I am happy for them. But at the same time, I noe I am sux. Thats why i tried to keep my ignorance high towards these ppl. I dont feel comfortable with them anymore and dont ask me why. I just dont want to keep thinking about this. Thats why i ignored them sometimes. Envy.

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I am glad I am happy here. At least I can still work on with my computer stuff. I can update my blog easily. I managed to learn bout php and hosting stuff…i learn about open source and i can apply it here..i learn about many thing that i dont think i can do if im not here. thank God. yyah. I just wanted to ease my self. Thank you.

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I always want to be someone new. I can change easily if I want to. I am sensitive to what ppl said to me. I may look happy all the time. Well, who knows. I wonder if there is ppl like me out there. I look at myself, i hate it. I look around me, i wish i can be like them. haha stupid ppl. Being loved is a good thingg. But giving love is not easy. Making love is another thing. What is needed to be loved and love? Dont say ‘honesty’ is the most important. Dont be hiypocryte. Everybody is being rubbish to say that. Of coz looks and physical appearance is the first thing to be considered. How nice and good and watevea shit u r, dont deny that. Honesty is next. Being perfect is another extra point.

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Damn im ranting for nothing.